Another day brings another mood change. My head is screaming "You should still be feeling great!", but my body is fighting with my head. I have aches and pains. They have been with me for 3 days now. Left over pain. Back pain. Leg pain. Stomach pain. A slight fever. This happens every so often. I don't know why, and I do not like it. Because my cancer check up is on Wednesday does not make it any easier to deal with it. There is that niggling feeling again. Is it the cancer. I don't think it can be. Could it?
I have been very teary. Crying at nothing special. Is it stress? Perhaps I am more nervous about this check up than I usually am. I cannot seem to think of anything else. Do others feel this way?
It is at extreme polar opposites that mood changes. I suppose this goes hand in hand with people with cancer. I would like to know some people that struggle with this. I am not one to openly complain about the emotional side of this beast inside me. If someone asks how I am doing, I am apt to say that I am doing great. Or if there is some little physical ailment, I might say something about that. But never about the emotional ups and downs.
This weekend, I was pretty much alone. My husband Dan works in marketing at our local telephone company. Every year they have a memorial golf tournament in honor of the founder of the phone company. It is held about an hour from here. It is all encompassing for about 2 weeks leading up to it. The tournament is today. He stayed at the resort last night to be able to be up very early this morning to get things going. And he doesn't even golf. I helped with much of the busy work that needed to be done. While he was running around yesterday gathering items he would need to take with him, I was home alone. My son Daniel, who still lives at home, is not home more than he is, yesterday he was out collecting donations for the fire department which he is a volunteer fire fighter. My middle son Ben, who is a chief at the fire department stopped over for about a minute. He too was out collecting. So I really was alone. And I was lonely.
Very lonely. I cried. I didn't feel well, and I felt... sad. I think sometimes it is being alone that brings to mind all the what ifs. Too much time to think. To much time to dwell. I have been doing gardening for the last few weeks. Something I have not been able to do in the past few years. I love doing it. But because I am not feeling up to par, I haven't been able to do much. I seem to wander from the porch to the back patio, to the sofa, to the computer. I am at loose ends. It would be so nice to have someone to talk to when this loneliness descends upon me. I love my God. But during these dark times, I do so much questioning. I know he is doing this for some reason, but it is a time when I do not understand and I get a little angry. More sad really. I feel that I do not have a say at all in my own life. It feels like I am crippled somehow. I suppose it is a bit of depression. Something that I must be aware of and fight against.
I am pretty sure this will all go away after I visit the doctor on Wednesday. He will hopefully tell me everything is fine, and my mood will miraculously lift. But until I hear it, I will be sad, and lonely, and a little less peaceful. I wish you peace.
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