Today is my 3 year "anniversary".  I was diagnosed with Leukemia.  I had cancer.  I still have cancer.  I had to correct myself with one of my piano students yesterday.  I said, "It's 3 years since I was diagnosed with cancer..... no, it's 3 years since I've been a survivor."  It's funny how, even though I know I am a survivor, I still see this date as a life tilting event.  It was the day I found out I had cancer.  Today I still see it that way.  I still have a hard time thinking of myself as a survivor, even though I am.  I wonder if other people think of their anniversary's the same way.  In some ways, it seems like a lifetime ago.  And then it feels like only a flash and it's three years.  I wonder if time will distance it .  I doubt it.  I have that three month check-up to bring it right up to  today.
     I had my blood drawn on Wednesday.  It was a non event.  Just a simple vial of blood.  It will be sent out to a lab and be back in a week.  In that little vial, it will show if I am continuing on a good path, less and less active cancer cells, or if the cancer cells are once again multiplying.  I wonder if having a blood cancer is different that having another form.  I don't know too much about that.   I know that all cancer patients, survivors, have to be tested periodically.  I am sure there is that same fear that accompanies it.  But I wonder if they need to be tested often.  I also wonder if I will ever get to the point where I will be able to go for longer periods of time without having to be tested.  I know other people at the 3 year marker have reached that point.  They go every 6 months.  I hope that I too will get to that.  My numbers never seem to stay at an even level.
      Something else that I often think about is how I even got Leukemia.  I have some research on the subject and am disturbed by what I have found.  Because of my long history of back surgeries, tests, MRI's, CT scans, x-rays, nuclear tests, medications. I wonder.  I have had way to much radiation in my lifetime.  It is a possible cause for leukemia.  It may be the reason that my chromosomes mutated.  That is a very scary thought.  While  the damage is done, I often wonder if I could have done anything differently.  Had I known what could have happened, would there have been some other way to treat me?   Would any of the many doctors I've had, ever put together the treatments to the threat of too much radiation?  I suppose it is all hindsight now.  What's done is done.
     I should look to the future and not look back.  Sometimes it is very easy.  I know that God has blessed me with good health throughout my cancer.  I could have been much, much sicker.  I also know that as I look to the future, I have to believe that God will also see me through whatever he has in store for me.  I know that on the days that I do not feel strong, he will guide my thoughts to the graces he has bestowed upon me.  My wonderful family.  My husband that works too hard, who has never said a negative thing about my mood swings.  My children who never thing of the negative things that can happen.  They tease it off.  Like last weekend when I had a vomiting episode.
     We were at  their Grandma's.  I had to vomit and went into the bathroom that had a window  overlooking the porch where everyone was sitting.  When I reappeared, my middle son, Ben, groaned, "You puked in Grandma's toilet?  eeewwww!"  After a good laugh I excused myself and went home.  I didn't want to gross them out again.
      The kids are always making light of my cancer.  "Don't say cancer", or "Oh you will be FINE!" "Just get up and DO something".  Always in a joking manner.  It lifts me.  It makes me believe that things are alright.  I know that they are aware of the seriousness of CML.  But they are forever hopeful.  It keeps me grounded.  It keeps me hopeful.  It gives me peace.
I wish you peace.