My Cancer story is not Exciting.

     I don't seem to be a very interesting blogger.  I have a few views.  I suppose my life is not so interesting.  But that is all right.  I am not famous.  I haven't really done anything outstanding.  My cancer story is not all that exciting.  But, it is my life, and I am compelled to continue to write about it.
      Having had over 15 back and neck surgeries, it was a very long time ago that I felt "normal".  I was in my 30's, had 3 small children, and was working full time.  I was at the height of my organ playing.  We have always struggled with finances, but we were happy.  My baby was 18 months old when I had my first back surgery.  I could no longer hold him.  That has been one of my biggest heartbreaks.  I feel like I cheated him of my physical contact.  But then, he was the one who used to come lay in bed with me and cuddle.  We would listen to soothing rainforest CD,s and he would fall asleep.  Dan would come and put him to bed.  It was a nice time, but it was also a sad time for me.  I think my older two didn't get thef physical expressions of hugs and kisses.  I was terrified of them running into me or jumping into my arms.  It has taken a very long time for me to realize that because of that, my children are not all that touchy feely.  They don't like to be hugged and they make no bones about it.  My daughter, who is several states away, after not having seen me for over 6 months, did not give me the hug I so desperately needed.  I jokingly hugged her, laughing as she said, "You know I don't hug, let me go", she was laughing, but it hurt.
      I have been thinking a lot lately about my own emotions.  Before I had cancer, I was depressed and was seeing a counselor.  I worked through the black spots.  And I was feeling well.
     Then I was diagnosed with CML.  My entire outlook changed.  I remember the immediate fear of the future, and the terror of what having cancer meant.  Once I started treatment I began fighting.  I decided that I wasn't going to die, although I had started planning my funeral.  I told people that I was doing great.  My numbers were going down and I was feeling good.  Even when my numbers went up I did all the research on bone marrow transplants in the event that I would need one.  I was a fighter.  I remember even telling someone that I don't think I would change anything if I could erase the cancer.  Who was I fooling?  Of course I would not have cancer, given the choice.  
     So, I have these conflicting emotions all the time.  It is tiresome.  I am battling a nasty cold and have been coughing for a week now.  I seem to get sick every other week.  It is depressing.  But I keep moving.  The day to day life of this cancer survivor is not exciting.  There is no special story, no heroics.  Just a boring day in the life of me.
     As a blogger, I may not be so great, but I will continue to blog and perhaps I will find something in my life that may spark with someone reading.  I pray you peace.