It is a roller coaster of ride when you have cancer. When things are going well, it is a feeling of survivorship. I can conquer anything. I feel good and I have energy that seems to never want to stop. I am feeling blessed, and so happy to be alive and have my wonderful family.
And then there are those days when doubt creeps in. I am tired. I have no energy and it is a struggle to get through the day without crying. Sometimes there is a reason. Sometimes there is not.
Recently I was hospitalized with infectious colitis. It is a not too common infection that happens to people with compromised immune systems. As I have always said, whenever I am "lucky" enough to get some odd illness, it is always because I have a compromised immune system. And why is that? Because I take oral chemotherapy everyday, because I have CML. I was in the hospital for 5 days on heavy pain medication because my gut hurt so badly I could do nothing except curl up into the fetal position and pray for the pain to go away. As the pain subsided finally, I had had an endoscopy, an ultrasound, and needles and pain meds, lack of sleep and tears.
This is when the doubt creeps in. Since being in the hospital, I have endured an Upper GI, which was an uncomfortable test, and a colonoscopy, also uncomfortable. And then there was the six month check up of my thyroid with an ultrasound. Always tests, always something to worry about.
There were questions about Crohn's disease. How could this be? I blamed it on the Gleevec, although my doctors have said probably not. The possible diagnosis for this hospital stay were many, pancreatitis, ulcer, or uclerative colitits, Crohns, intestinal blockage.
I visited my primary doctor this week. All the tests have come back alright. He says it was most likely infectious colitis. Then he looked at the thyroid ultrasound.
It took a long time for him to look up from his computer as he looked at the results. I have known for almost a year that there is a possibility that the nodules that I have could be cancerous. I had a biopsy last February. I was checked on both sides of my thyroid. The left side was benign. The right side was inconclusive. So waiting for this last ultrasound, I have not been too worried, because the doctors didn't seem to think there was anything to worry about. I was told that I would be checked again in 6 months just to be sure that nothing was getting bigger or suspicious. Unfortunately, when my doctor was reading the report from the radiologist this week, he looked up at me and said, the nodule on the right side has grown. What does this mean? Another biopsy. I am not sure if I am more upset because this is yet another cancer scare, albeit not as serious as Leukemia. I am concerned. I am worried. I am a bit depressed about it. I sing. I have used my voice for many years as a Church Musician. The growth, even if it is not cancerous, may grow and effect my voice. It may be cancerous. It may be nothing to worry about at all. But worry I will.
If I decide to have the nodule removed, I am told I will have to have all the nodules removed. It may or may not affect my voice. If it is not cancerous and I do nothing, it can still grow and it may or may not affect my voice.
So, on this gloomy rainy day, I am at odds with myself. I am trying very hard to not worry and just take one day at a time, and at the same time, I am worried sick. I can feel the ever present depression coming a little out of the hole I have dug for it. It is always a constant struggle to keep it down in that hole by itself. But on weeks like this, the lid has come off and I can feel it there, just below the surface. I know that I am blessed. I know that I must keep praying and ask God to see me through this. Sometimes I wonder if I will live a long time, or if God is readying me for something larger then me. Am I meant for a bigger challenge, or is this the challenge? It all is on my mind. I just know that I must continue to ask God for guidance, and that he offer me peace in the midst of my personal turmoil. A turmoil perhaps not a huge suffering in the scope of the world, but to me, it is my cross to bear. I ask that God give me the courage and the peace to move in this world. I wish you that same peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment