It still surprises me when I think about cancer. I will goes days at a time and not worry or may even not think of it more than once or twice a day. I doubt that there will ever be a day when I do not think about it, but I sometimes do not dwell on it. And then something happens and I feel as though I am sucked right back into "I have cancer". And I struggle to say, yes, I am a survivor. Some days it just doesn't feel like it.
I went for my 3 month blood draw and check up on Wednesday. Everything was fine, I am still in complete remission. I left there without the dread that sometimes overtakes me on these days. I am trying very hard to realize that this will be my life, for the rest of my life. I will always have to be monitored, I will always have the worry, I will always wonder, what if...
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I am teaching piano again. Lots of little sniffles and coughs. This morning I am also sniffling and coughing. Now begins the worry. Will this cold become serious, as almost all of my little ailments seem to be, since I've had cancer. I have a not very good immune system. I suppose it is time for me to start wearing a surgical mask when I teach. I love teaching kids to play and enjoy music. It never fails to warm my heart when a little one figures out that a note on the piano matches the note on the music. They get "it".
So yesterday went reasonably well. I found out that I am 10th in the leadership board for the Light the Night Event. Our Stroll to the Park raised $1420.00. I feel proud of that. I am inspired to repeat this event next year and double that. I also finally got my Gleevec order taken care of. I have been afraid for the last several months that I would have to pay up to $3000.00 for one prescription because of the insurance change from my husbands policy. Well I finally had to fill the prescription and lo and behold, I still have a 0 co-pay. That was a relief. So all in all, I was feeling pretty good, except for being a little tired. It's amazing how one phone call can change that easy relaxed nature. I had finished teaching for the day and was just getting dinner ready, late, it was almost 6:30, and my doctor called. Not the nurse, but the doctor. I cannot remember the last time that happened. That sent my head spinning in itself.
I had a physical last week. After a bout of infectious colitis, and 5 days in the hospital, I had a series of intestinal testing done, and was at the doctor's office to get the results. I also had a six month ultrasound of my thyroid. All the intestinal tests came back normal, confirming that it was indeed an infection. When he looked at the ultrasound, it took him a long time to let me know what was or wasn't going on. One of the nodules that he has been watching has grown. He was suppose to let me know last week sometime if I would need another biopsy. The one I had in Feb. had been inconclusive. So when he spoke with me last night, I suddenly had a feeling of dejahvue. He told me that 2 nodules on the right side that had been biopsied were inconclusive, but the radiologist detected a 3d nodule and he wasn't sure if this one had been biopsied. He is concerned because it is deep in the thyroid on the lower right side. He said to remove it would mean part of my thyroid will have to be removed as well. He said that he isn't sure there is anything to worry about, (where have I heard that before?) and to give him until Tuesday to see if this 3d nodule was indeed a new one or one of the biopsied one, or if this one had not grown in size. It is all confusing to me and I have not been able to stop thinking about it.
I feel as though cancer is sucking the life out of me, even if thyroid cancer is "highly curable". Really? Really?? I am so tired of this seesaw of emotions. After the doctor's phone call last night, my reasonably good day seemed to instantly turn into a new nightmare. Remove my thyroid? More medication for the rest of my life? I know I am strong. I know I will handle this latest setback with grace. But sometimes, I just get so very tired.
I will pray once again, or continue to pray, that God gives me the strength to continue this fight that has become my life. I pray for peace. And I pray you receive peace as well.
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