A Not So Great Day.  It is not even a very good day.  I have found that having cancer, and being a survivor does not mean that I do not experience bad days.  I do. Often.  It is a struggle every single day, and sometimes, every single hour.
     While I remain in good health, I have so very many days that I have fears.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of what the next blood draw will show.  Fear of being very sick.  And this fear often accompanies some physical pain.  Is it my back?  Or is it the cancer? Am I having a migraine?  Or is it the cancer?  I am so very fatigued.  Is it the cancer?  Always.  Is it the cancer?  Is it going to rear it's ugly head again?
     I struggle daily with these questions, as I am sure that all cancer patients do.  All survivors.  We are all united in this one nagging thought.  And I doubt that it will ever, ever go away.  I think that if I ever reach a point where there are no longer active cancer cells in my blood, I will still be thinking, can it come back?  Will it come back?  Will I survive if it does come back?
     I am a very faithful person and I believe without a doubt that God is with me always.  I know that one day I will enter a whole new world with no more questions.  No more pain.  No more sickness or cancer.  But what I do not know and can never know in this world, is what each new moment brings.  I try to be positive.  I have a mighty ability to assure people who ask now I am doing, to say, I am doing great.  Which I am.  But so often, the outward expression, belies what I may be thinking on the inside.  What I am feeling.  Not so assured.  Not so positive.  More than a little scared.  I fear being ill.  Being subject to medications that may have side effects that make me not want to fight.  A great fear that one day I may need a bone marrow transplant.
     My doctor assures me every time I go that I am doing well.  But how can he really know?  How can anyone really know? People often say, "you could be hit by a car tomorrow".  But I firmly believe that people with cancer have a universal fear that is very real.  It could come back.  It could kill me.
     I invite you to leave a comment about this.  I do not often share my fears.  Today I am not having such a great day.  I will go outside and enjoy the sunshine and work in my yard.  Things I haven't been able to do the past few years.  It is refreshing, new flowers and vegetables growing high with abundance.  It is a  great thing on a not so great day.  I wish you peace.