I have thought quite a lot about how I would write this blog. I have always wanted to write about my health issues, which date back to 1997. Today I will only write a bit. So many things happening in my life and the life of my family. I seem to have accumulated many thoughts, feelings and expressions that I want to share, and I have started and stopped writing too many times to count. I always seem to get stuck. So I think I will write it day by day in a blog. And where to start? Why at the beginning of course.... or not.
I have had over 15 back surgeries dating back to 1997. My youngest child was 3 years old. I do not believe that he has ever known me as a healthy mom. I have struggled over this. Daniel is and was a very loving child. And a comedian. He is 20. And he always smiles. Ben is 24 and just this past Thursday, graduated from the State Fire Academy. He is now a professional Firefighter and Paramedic. Jenna is 26. She moved from Rochester to Virginia last September with hers boyfriend Pat. She is a Dr. of Physical Therapy. She loves working with dancers. I love all my children. And my husband Dan. We've been married 29 years. It hasn't always been easy. He is not great at expressing feelings. This is sometimes a problem, and I will elaborate more as I delve into this unusual life I have.
As I said, I have had over 15 back surgeries, which in and of themselves are a story to tell, as I have had unusual and rare things happen. But nothing could have prepared me for the news I received while in the hospital 3 years ago, on June 6Th. I had been in the hospital for stomach pains, and a white blood count that kept going up and down. After two weeks, an oncologist was called in to talk to me about blood disorder possibilities. When I met him for the first time, he didn't seem too concerned that my white blood cell count was 47000. Normal is between 4000 to 10000. He said to wait a few days and if the numbers didn't settle down he would do a blood test for leukemia. I remember distinctly not being upset about this possibility. After all, I wasn't really all that sick anymore, and Leukemia? No, it couldn't happen.
A few days later, my numbers hadn't changed and so the blood test was ordered. It would take 3 to 5 days to get the results. I continued to have stomach pains, which incidently had nothing to do with the high blood count. That diagnosis would come a year later.
When 5 days had passed, the head nurse came in to my room and asked for Dan's phone number. I knew something was wrong. Why did she need it? I do not remember her telling me anything, but I do remember the room suddenly filling with nurses, and one coming over and hugging me and saying how sorry she was but that I would get through this. I remember shaking. And, I had cancer. Leukemia. When the head nurse came back in, I know she told me that Dr. Sood, the oncologist, would see me in his office the following day and do a bone biopsy. I don't think I cried. I know I shook. And I know I kept saying, "I have cancer, I can't have cancer". This would be too cruel. I had suffered for years from so many failed back surgeries. God wouldn't do this to me. It blindsided me. Literally, when all those nurse came into my room, my world tilted. I could feel it tilt.
They discharged me that day. I remember being driven in the wheelchair to the elevator, passing the nurses station, and seeing the looks of pity, and hearing,"I'm so sorry", more than once. I do not really remember much of that. I know Dan came in the room and I just hugged him, let him hug me. I don't think he got just then. I don't think he realized I had cancer. Or in my tilted world, I didn't think he did. I didn't feel it. He should know how I felt. He should have said something else, hugged me harder. Done something. What that was I do not know. I felt alone with him right there by my side. I was frozen. And I stayed there.
The following morning, my sister Karen accompanied me to Dr. Sood's office. I had asked her to come with me. She would know what to ask. She had lost her husband to lung cancer several years earlier. I knew it might be hard for her, but I didn't really care. I was selfish. Dan wouldn't know what to ask. He wouldn't be any help at all. Why I felt that I don't know. Karen could help. She had been through it.
I remember being in the room and the Dr. coming in. He said the test was positive for Leukemia. I started crying. He closed his folder and leaned in closer to me. He told me that if I had to have leukemia, this was the best kind to have. Chronic Myleoid Leukemia. He explained what it was, and would do the bone marrow biopsy right there in the office. I remember it hurt. And I remember Karen asking the Dr. to see it. It was such a tiny sample, but it caused quite a bit of pain. It would be sent out. It would tell the doctor if I had the mutated chromosone that causes white blood cells to grow in number and are defective. Cancer cells. I know I was confused. I didn't understand that there are different types of leukemia. I did go home and look it up on the internet. I will have to research it again to explain it better in my next blog.
I find it tires me to write about this. It is still very emotional, even after 3 years. I think I will continue this story tomorrow. If you are reading this and wishing to follow, I would like to let you know that I am doing very well now, even as I go back to this time 3 years ago when I was not fine. With God's grace I will write tomorrow.
Peace
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