So, I haven't blogged in a while. I've been sick. Again. Last week I spent 5 days in the hospital for terrible stomach pain. I spent much of the time on pain medication and fearing that my cancer had come back. And then, the doctors thinking that perhaps the gleevec I take for my CML was causing an ulcer. They tested for panceratitis. They did an endoscopy to look down into my stomach which was inflamed. And then is the nasty colonoscopy I will have in 2 weeks time, and the UGI I have to have next week. They aren't sure if it is an infection of some sort. But they have said that they don't think it is the gleevec. It is more likely that my immune system that is not very good, might have been compromised by an infection. It is very distressing. I was having a wonderful summer. I am less then 2 weeks away from the fundraiser I am hosting "Stroll to the Park" here in Fredonia to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I have pretty much been in a stand still pattern right now. My gut still hurts, and I am having trouble eating anything solid.
So, because I have cancer, a whole host of problems have beset me even though at this time I am cancer free. I seem to get sick much more often, and even a small thing like a cold will put a stop to my activity. I won't say it doesn't get me down. After all, I am cancer free. But I will never be the same. My emotions, too, run deeper. I seem to be freakishly happy when I am feeling healthy, but it doesn't take too much to get me down when I am not feeling up to par.
A few days ago the most famous comedian, Robin Williams died of a suicide. There has been much written about depression, and suicide. I don't think, that anyone who has not come to the edge can really understand how someone could do themselves harm. I have been on that edge. I haven't blogged about this aspect of my illness. Having had health problems for the past 20+ years I first felt depressed after the birth of my youngest son. It was post partum depression, and as embarrassed I felt, I sought out help. I was always frozen. I was afraid to leave the house with 2 Catholic School children to get them to school. I couldn't seem to get out even to get milk. But I sort of understood what post partum was because the nurses at the hospital were very helpful and helped get me into counseling .And then I felt better. It wasn't like the depression that happened sometime during one of the 15 surgeries I have had.
There were several times when depression has almost beat me down. It is a very strange and hard thing. I wouldn't say I was suicidal. I just wanted to escape. I didn't want to do "it" anymore. I felt useless, unworthy, and that no one would really mind if I just escaped. Many people have said it is like a big black hole that tries to swallow you up. I think that is true. And I am a very faithful person. I know God exists. I know he has unbounded love and understanding. I just couldn't understand why this was happening to me. I would get angry. I have always questioned, but not angrily like that. I was the one always saying, "we will know all the reasons when we get to heaven". But that sad feeling.... it is a terrible lonely feeling. I would go about my day mechanically. But I will never forget the evening I was laying in bed, back pain racking my body. I looked on my nightstand at all the medications I was taking, including an antidepressant. I picked up a bottle of pain pills and counted them out. I wondered how many I needed to take to escape. It was always, escape. I stared at it for a long time. I think I may have even taken 3 pills. At least I would sleep well that night. I remember putting the bottle down, and just giving up. I told God to help me.
That was when I started seeing Dr. Krasner who specializes in people with chronic pain issues. Apparently, it was not all that uncommon for us to be depressed. I do not remember how long it took for me to start to feel better. I had many issues with Dan, probably exasperated by a lot of non-communication. I just didn't talk about it. I kept it all inside and blamed much on him. I know that we did have marital differences but while I was feeling worthless and hopeless, he didn't talk to me. He didn't encourage me. In fact, there are times now that he responds to me in anger. Last week when I needed to go to the ER, he practically yelled at me that I couldn't keep going there. I know he felt bad after that when I was admitted. That is just his coping mechanism. Not mine.
And I have to fight that black whole feeling all the time. This last few weeks have been tough. I was having a wonderful summer. We were busy. I was gardening, picnicking and just enjoying every day. And then when I started to feel sick again, it is almost as if I were a balloon and the air has been leaking out a tiny bit every day. I think blogging is a good thing. If you are reading this, I hope that my sometimes disjointed thoughts don't seem too wandering. I am still new to this type of writing. But I started this entry talking about how my immunity system is not very good at all, and it all seems to lead back to the fact physical pain for me can quickly spiral into depression. I wish this weren't so, but I have a strong sense of being. I am able to cope. Music helps a lot. It brings me peace. I wish you peace.
